Author Archives: rajkitano

About rajkitano

This Blog will be about my interests in photography, literature and other creative and interesting shit.

Dress sexy at my funeral

I want everyone to miss me when i die

I want all the girls to dress inappropriately sexy at my funeral

And throw themseleves over my coffin, clawing at the box

Wouldn’t really work if i’m in an urn

I sometimes think about who would be most hurt, who would cry, and be sad, who would cry but feel fine afterwards

When heidi died dan was already over her, they’d broken up two years ago.

When an ex dies, it must just feel like the past is over, and like the past is a foriegn country and all that, you move on.

I want to die just so i dont have to write shitty poetry to keep on living


Today i saw a girl get hit by a car

Waltz

Walks down the street in 4-4 time
A ciggarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth at an angle i consider romantic
Looks like she is going somewhere but seems to be completely unconcerned by how long it takes her she
Turns heads and doesnt seem to notice that she does
Zoom. The world stops and a second later so does the car


i’m 29 i feel really old today

Last week when I was teaching at a school a girl in my class was accused of perving on sir

She was teased about it

The sentence, errr you are perving on sir! Is a terrible sentence

Nothing nice about that sentence

 

Then;

I realise I am an old man

I realise I am a sir

I feel embarrassed and stare at where my shoes would be if they weren’t tucked under the chair

I still felt a bit flattered and I felt bad about that

 

 

I told my housemate who asked me if it was the fat girl

I said no

But it was totally the fat girl

 

I hope she meets a nice boy and doesn’t perve on casual teachers

I hope I don’t hear that sentence again


I dont know what frightens me more, the thought that i have no control over my life or the thought that i have total control and this is how its worked out.

Obviously it works on a sort of continuum. But i often get the feeling that, even when its the things i say or do which land me where i end up, im just completely not in control of the outcome. I have no agency at all except to hurry or maybe delay the inevitable. Its totally fucked. And i know i have agency. I know i have control but its very limited and i never realise that i’d reached a crossroad until im halfway down the wrong path.

I never realise that im happy until its well and truly over. I never realise these things. I feel like im blindfolded. Such a shit metaphor but still.

Like i said before, i’m fully aware that i am the only one that can save me, but still it would be nice if someone else would save me. Help.

Just another saturday where i wake up and think, what the fuck am i doing?? X


An epic realisation i had while on acid and thinking about life and shit

Ok, actually worked it out. Sweet.

We are all in a box. We live, study, work in the box and unless we do something about it, we die in the box.

The box is surrounded by shit. The only way out of the box is to eat shit.

If you can eat shit, you’re fine. Sweet! You get out. You get the whatever is outside the box.

But you’re still a shiteater.

So everything i’ve ever learnt, has been telling me how to eat shit.


Falling in love for no reason/ lows = highs/ kiss you

When i’m happy i could fall in love with anyone. I fall in love with everyone i meet, i love everything.

When im sad i fall in love with everyone i meet, but i hate everything and myself and its destructive.

So dont come too close or i might hug you, dont speak to me or i might kiss you, dont grab my hand or i might not let go.

When i think back to the good times and also to the bad, right now, part of me, kamikaze and dreaming, is as nostalgic for the lows, as bright and vibrant and as destructively beautiful as they were, as it is for the highs.

I have this urge to kiss you when we make eye contact. I contact. When you listen to what i say i don’t have it. But when you talk and smile i look at your eyes and then at your lips and i think about kissing them. One day i will forget myself and do it and it will get really complex or really simple.


Jelly Knees

The thought of seeing you gives me jelly knees.

When i look at a picture of you i get cold sweats. You scare me. I’m terrified of running into you. I spend my time looking over my shoulder, worried you will be there, staring, disapprovingly, making fun of me, judging me. I will always come up short.

Im insecure and nervous and lost and i write really shit. The shit i write.

This is better though, because what did happiness and security ever do for writing? Nada.

Still, all things should be done with love or not at all. So, with the deepest love: fuck you, and fuck everything you stand for and fuck the fucking horse that you rode in on.

With the deepest love: i fucking hate you because you cannot truly hate something until you’ve loved it.

With the deepest love that i say i hate what you’re about and what you’ve done, and how you do it. i wish you would leave and never ever come back because i would be free.

I would delete you if i could. I would
erase our past if i could. I would turn my head inside out and upside down and shake myself by the ankles
Till all the memories and feelings and the rest of it all tumble out of my pockets and fall on to the floor and i will be empty and i will feel nothing.

Happiness and confidence is the death of worthwhile creativity. I just think of daniel johns and weep. I just think of success and weep. I just think and i could cry for hours. Fuck you.

When i’m happy i do nothing.

Better this way, no?

The thought of you seeing me in the clothes i used to wear scares me.

You will think, ‘he hasn’t changed at all.’