Category Archives: thoughts

I dont know what frightens me more, the thought that i have no control over my life or the thought that i have total control and this is how its worked out.

Obviously it works on a sort of continuum. But i often get the feeling that, even when its the things i say or do which land me where i end up, im just completely not in control of the outcome. I have no agency at all except to hurry or maybe delay the inevitable. Its totally fucked. And i know i have agency. I know i have control but its very limited and i never realise that i’d reached a crossroad until im halfway down the wrong path.

I never realise that im happy until its well and truly over. I never realise these things. I feel like im blindfolded. Such a shit metaphor but still.

Like i said before, i’m fully aware that i am the only one that can save me, but still it would be nice if someone else would save me. Help.

Just another saturday where i wake up and think, what the fuck am i doing?? X

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An epic realisation i had while on acid and thinking about life and shit

Ok, actually worked it out. Sweet.

We are all in a box. We live, study, work in the box and unless we do something about it, we die in the box.

The box is surrounded by shit. The only way out of the box is to eat shit.

If you can eat shit, you’re fine. Sweet! You get out. You get the whatever is outside the box.

But you’re still a shiteater.

So everything i’ve ever learnt, has been telling me how to eat shit.


Falling in love for no reason/ lows = highs/ kiss you

When i’m happy i could fall in love with anyone. I fall in love with everyone i meet, i love everything.

When im sad i fall in love with everyone i meet, but i hate everything and myself and its destructive.

So dont come too close or i might hug you, dont speak to me or i might kiss you, dont grab my hand or i might not let go.

When i think back to the good times and also to the bad, right now, part of me, kamikaze and dreaming, is as nostalgic for the lows, as bright and vibrant and as destructively beautiful as they were, as it is for the highs.

I have this urge to kiss you when we make eye contact. I contact. When you listen to what i say i don’t have it. But when you talk and smile i look at your eyes and then at your lips and i think about kissing them. One day i will forget myself and do it and it will get really complex or really simple.