I want everyone to miss me when i die
I want all the girls to dress inappropriately sexy at my funeral
And throw themseleves over my coffin, clawing at the box
Wouldn’t really work if i’m in an urn
I sometimes think about who would be most hurt, who would cry, and be sad, who would cry but feel fine afterwards
When heidi died dan was already over her, they’d broken up two years ago.
When an ex dies, it must just feel like the past is over, and like the past is a foriegn country and all that, you move on.
I want to die just so i dont have to write shitty poetry to keep on living
Obviously it works on a sort of continuum. But i often get the feeling that, even when its the things i say or do which land me where i end up, im just completely not in control of the outcome. I have no agency at all except to hurry or maybe delay the inevitable. Its totally fucked. And i know i have agency. I know i have control but its very limited and i never realise that i’d reached a crossroad until im halfway down the wrong path.
I never realise that im happy until its well and truly over. I never realise these things. I feel like im blindfolded. Such a shit metaphor but still.
Like i said before, i’m fully aware that i am the only one that can save me, but still it would be nice if someone else would save me. Help.
Just another saturday where i wake up and think, what the fuck am i doing?? X
When i’m happy i could fall in love with anyone. I fall in love with everyone i meet, i love everything.
When im sad i fall in love with everyone i meet, but i hate everything and myself and its destructive.
So dont come too close or i might hug you, dont speak to me or i might kiss you, dont grab my hand or i might not let go.
When i think back to the good times and also to the bad, right now, part of me, kamikaze and dreaming, is as nostalgic for the lows, as bright and vibrant and as destructively beautiful as they were, as it is for the highs.
I have this urge to kiss you when we make eye contact. I contact. When you listen to what i say i don’t have it. But when you talk and smile i look at your eyes and then at your lips and i think about kissing them. One day i will forget myself and do it and it will get really complex or really simple.